Emotionless biotch

What the fuck do I care?

Regardless of my pressing need to bawl my eyes out, for some reason over the past 2 months, I've been resolute in keeping the tears bottled up inside me. Perhaps it is because I am so afraid of offending someone with my seemingly unnecessary bawling, along with my fear that once I start crying, I will be unable to shut off the waterworks, which keeps me from allowing myself to cry in the first place.

I don't know how I ended up where I am in my life. For awhile there, everything seemed to be looking up - and then all of a sudden - BAM! - I feel like shit again. I've been clinging on desperately, trying not to allow myself to fall into the depression which is relentlessly trying to pull me into its grasp. I hate feeling this way. I hate waking up each day wondering if this is the day that I will succumb to it's evil forces and struggling to hold on long enough for my life to change for the good again.

Things are supposed to be so much easier for me now - but instead, they just seem to be getting worse. Perhaps I expect too much - or perhaps I am mistaken in what my life should be - but I'm pretty sure this isn't it. I have come so far in the past year and 1/2 - after the unexpected beak-up of my 8 year relationship. I thought I finally had a firm grasp on who I was, where I was going and what I wanted - but the past 2 months have led me to question all of that.

Is it possible to be incapable of being in a loving relationship with someone ever again? I thought I had found someone that I could be happy with - but the more I spend time with him, the more I question what my "happiness" is to entail - and at what expense. As of right now, I feel like a booty call and a babysitter. I feel like a doormat that has to walk on eggshells as not to upset the masses. I feel like I was duped into falling in love with the idea of someone and when I look at the person himself, he is not even a shadow of the person he portrayed himself to be.

I cannot continue this way in a relationship where I feel so unloved and unappreciated. I will not be happy being in a relationship with someone who is afraid of or unwilling to show affection. I have needs and I need to be in a relationship with someone who is not only able to fulfill them, but also willing to.

I cannot continue in a relationship where I am afraid to open my mouth to voice my opinion or even a fact that I know - for fear of being shot down or patronized. Yes, sometimes I do speak superfluously - but I have yet to speak ad nauseam regarding any subject. Quite frankly, I can't, because the second I pass his tolerance level for any subject matter, I am patronized with the infamous "yes, dear". I have never had time constraints put on my thoughts and/or feelings before, and having them now just isn't working.

How are we supposed to have a successful relationship if we are unable to communicate effectively, if at all, with each other? A relationship is not about the wishes, desires, needs of ONE person constantly being met - it's about compromise between two people to make sure that each other's wishes, desires and needs are being met to the best of both of our abilities. That isn't happening for me.